Living with incontinence as a young and active adult

My job has me in various positions throughout each day.  Some days I spend a ton of time sitting, or standing, or just interacting with customers as a presenter with all eyes on me at the front of the room.  Each has it’s own challenges and I deal with each differently if I can plan ahead.

First, as someone with incontinence you should always be prepared for the worst. I carry a large backpack and have two spare diapers, a pair of snap-on plastic pants, wipes, and a barrier cream.  I am not able to carry a spare change of clothes due to space, so I plan as best I can.  I have had situations where I might drink more than I could fit in my diaper and had leaks, ill fitting diapers that either rip or tapes come undone, or just need a change due to the itching that accompanies a day in a diaper.  Spares and some basics help.

I change my barrier cream based on the various situations as much as I change diaper type and covers.

Good creams really help prevent rashes and are critical on hot days or days you might find yourself dehydrated.  Dehydration is the worst for me.  Not only does it intensify the smell of your urine and lead to quicker skin reactions, it causes the bladder to spasm much more!  Hydration and a diaper change are better than a long day in a single diaper with pungent smells and reactions.

If you have never heard of Calmoseptine, you should check it out.  Generally, I like the cream as it seems to adhere well and not just rub off in the diaper.  It also has menthol which I will admit tingles my sack in a way I enjoy.  I also use Triple Paste or Boudreaux’s Butt Paste as my go to choices. I have found that as a beer drinker, I recently have dealt with a yeast infection on my scrotum.  It is bright red and itches, not like any diaper rash.  I also get the typical yeast spots around the creases in my legs where the diaper rubs.  I have found that a yeast medicine like Vagisil or Monistat help.  You have to use it well beyond when you think you have it beat though as it tends to come back.  I will rub some of that on and let if have a few minutes, then apply a barrier cream before wrapping back up.  This is all good, but nothing beats a simple airing out when you can.  Put down a chux pad and lay on the bed for a half hour and just let cool air dry things out as much as you can.

When it comes to diaper choices, I generally align them to my planned day.  If I am walking a lot or presenting where I tend to pace while I talk, the release is much more in small spurts and I usually try to use something less bulky between the legs to avoid the chafe.  I have found the BetterDry or NorthShore available at www.northshorecare.com  diapers to both be good for this as they are narrower in the crotch than my other diapers.  The BetterDry share a design with the “Crinkles” line so the diaper is the same but has designs on them for the more adventurous.

If I am sitting a lot, I know that I will experience gushes and full voids when I get up.  This requires a larger pad up front and taller gathers around the legs.  I find that ABUniverse.com has some Simple or Simple Ultras -Though the ultras are stupid expensive- that work great for these days.  These also come in some designs that I find fun to wear when I need more than just white diapers.  I relate this to the need for more choice than “tighty whitey” underwear when I still wore those.  To each their own and no one but myself and maybe my wife ever see them, but I know what I am wearing and it just makes me smile some days.

These are my general goto diaper choices, but Abena also makes a good diaper as well as a great pull up.  Their pull ups are my go to when visiting the Dr or when I am just out for an hour or so.  They are a little more accepted at the doctors office as they come up and down easy and do not get me the stares of why are you so young and dealing with this, let me give you some pills.

Along with a good diaper, I use boosters.  I generally find again that NorthShorecare.com is a great company to deal with and their shipments are always timely and discrete.  I will use their Med/Large booster as it swells well but also allows it to flow through to the diaper.  Along with this for longer days, I will place on top of that in booster in the crotch, a Abena Large pad.  These pads do not have tape adhesive and do not swell much, but they wick like mad to make better use of the diaper from front to back.

When sleeping I have found the ABU’s to be horrible for leaks.  They do not leak much on the sides or legs, but the wetness weeps out over the top and I end up with an underused diaper and a wet bed almost every time.  The BetterDry and Northshores are much better as they do not have the fabric that extends from the pad to the top of the diaper and do not wick as much.

I am starting play around with cloth diapers and covers, but that is for next time once I know more about what works for me.

Most days I will diaper up as required and then I use a woman’s shaping panty over it.  This helps hold things up better than men’s underwear, are cut such that they will not extend outside of a diaper cover (thus wicking any leaks to the outside), and they can help shape things.  There are some with a thong like re-enforcement in the crack that help me avoid a flat diaper butt by creating a bit of a crease.  While it can make for large bulges to the side, those are usually less noticeable than a big flat butt in dress pants.  Along with this, the front usually has a panel to also reduce the bulge a bit in the crotch.  Leonisa panties are my choice these days and available on amazon at an acceptable price.  As a side note to this, my wife has found she likes to be able to trade underwear with me now as we are about the same size!  Kind of an odd side note, but there is something sexy about it.

Over this, I generally wear a diaper cover from Babykins.com.  They have a great selection and I have never been disappointed.  Always go one size larger than you think you need as tight gathers around the legs and waist hurt after a long day and do nothing to avoid leaks really.  The larger more comfortable leak less for me!

After the diaper, panty and cover, I wear a onesie to help conceal and support things.  Preventawear.com as well as Babykins.com have great onesies that work well for me.  I tried some from others like ABUniverse.com and they tend to have too much material in the crotch and chafe if I am walking a lot.

After the onesie, I put on my typical work attire.  I try to keep my shirt untucked to help but most days that is not acceptable.  Today I had to be downtown in front of customers.  I felt very self conscious as my choice of diaper/panty left me with a very flat butt that I felt was obvious even before being in the diaper all day and it swelling, when I looked before leaving the house.  By the end of the day the swelling was causing a large bulge in the front, and a noticeable complication when walking due to a bit of a waddle.  I did not feel like I was walking differently, but the swelling diaper was much more stiff after the long day and it was shifting opposite of my stride cause more noticing on my part.  I feel like everyone is looking, but I try really hard to not to touch, look, or cause focus away from what I am working on.  To that end, no one has ever once in almost 15 years asked me if I am ok, why does my butt look that way, or am I am hurt due to my walk.  No one notices or they are more embarrassed than I and they do not want to bring it up.

I hope you find this helpful if you are starting out or looking for options.  Remember even young professional adults in all lines of work are incontinent too, it is not just you!  Hold your head up and move on wearing as much or as little as you need to get through your day.

 

 

 

I recently realized how long it had been since I posted here.  Life has a way of getting busy.

I have been dealing with some pain in my groin lately.  This is a bit of a rant, but I need to just vent.

I have been dealing with lumps on my testicles for a bit.  I had my left one removed and was told it was not cancer.  However, I have lumps on my right as well and they seem to be be growing.  Along with that, I have had a dull pain that radiates into my stomach for a while now.  I have seen multiple doctors and had as many imaging tests.  No one can find the source, and no one wants to address the lumps.

I went to a surgeon as the latest in a string of doctors.  She was very upbeat and said she would find a way to help.  Oh shit I thought in my head.  They all say that.  She took a look at the ultrasound and said she did not see a hernia.  No shit I thought.  She says she can give me a nerve blocker that will block the pain for 6 months until she can find the problem.  I decide to try it as there is not much else on the horizon until I get the next CAT scan.  I spent the next day with a limp and numb leg, but that wore off quick.  Once that wore off, the pain was back and actually worse.  It might be in my head, but it hurts.    After the scan I get a call from the Dr’s office and am told she cannot see anything in scan and all she can do is refer me for long term pain management.  She can do nothing else for me.

I have spent the last week in a real depressed state.  I try not to do that normally, but this really has affected me.  I hear – yet another Doctor who was so positive they could help me – tell me thanks but no thanks.

My wife joked with me I might need Dr House!

I feel like part of me has given up.  Before, I just wore the diaper and dealt with it.  Before, I just dealt with the pain.  I know pain well and can usually put it out of my head and do my job.  This week though, I just feel down.  I want to give up, and that is not like me.  I have given up on even trying to make it to the toilet and let the bladder take control.   I have used way more diapers and now have a bad rash!

I want to take a knife and cut my gut open and tell them – now find this pain!

In the end I am dad and husband, though maybe not anywhere near great at either.  I cannot let the family down and I need to just move on.  In this last week of self pity, that is not easy.  However, I have to look forward and do the right thing.  I will.  I always do.

My wife is so amazing.  She stayed by my side in this self pity boat ride.  She does not see the diapers as a problem, but just underwear that is different.  She never once made me feel bad.   She just cares about me, and I cannot tell you how important that is.

I love her so much, but for some reason I still cannot share my ranting on this blog with her and keep this private.  Maybe one day.

This ends my rant for now.

 

Next time, I want to talk about some choices in diapers, vendors, heat and how I deal with things.

 

I noticed that about 12 years ago, I started to find that my underwear was wet after using the bathroom.  I had just married my beautiful wife.  We were trying to have kids, I had a new home and a great job.  Life was great, except this wetness I seemed to feel all the time.  It started to get a little worse with time.  I was not sure what to tell my wife, but one day I just had to tell her that I might need to put a pad or something in my underwear as I was finding more and more often I would sit down and find a wet spot on my pants.  Being in a profession work environment, that just did not work.  I started with Depends adjustable underwear for a bit.  They worked!  They are not comfortable, they are not manly, it was not something I looked forward to each morning before work as part of my wardrobe.  With time, I got used to it, sort of.  After a few years I had tried other products like Attends, Depends Briefs, store brands.  None of them were comfortable really.

Being a computer guy, I started looking online when my wife was not around as I was still very embarrassed.  I found a site xpmedical.com run by a man that was also living with incontinence.  I found Abena pull ups on there and decided to try them.  WOW!  They were soft, not too bulky and very absorbent while controlling a new thing I had realized, I smelled sometimes if I was not hydrated well enough.  It was great and I bought them by the case for a while.  Life went along a few more years and while I hated it, it had become part of my day, put one on and go to work.

We started a family after some troubles and moved to be closer to friends and family.  I found during this time, I was having more and more trouble with it not just being a little release after urinating like there was left over not addressed, but now I was finding my bladder would spasm and if I was not at a toilet within 2 minutes or so, I would be finding my pull up much more saturated.  I talked to my doctor finally, and was sent to a urologist.  She ran the tests, had me pee in this and that, stuck a scope in a place I want to never have something stuck again.  The one thing she did find is that my bladder does spasm uncontrollably and that my sphincter is just not that strong.

My experience is that most doctors are not there to help as much as try to push drugs.  I tried them, for 2 years.  This one, that one, those ones.  All of them helped some, but failed to stop the spasms or post-void dribbling.  The side effects though were horrendous for most.  Dry mouth causing you to drink more that then makes things worse, headaches – bad ones, not migraines as have had those since 16 but bad, sleeplessness – not what I need as it is.  After two years, I decided I would rather just wear a pull up or diaper than take all of those expensive drugs that sort of worked, but still left me with at least a pad.  That was about 6 years ago now.   I never called her back, threw the drugs away and started wearing a – ready for this – ADULT DIAPER.

There are many euphemisms for it.  Brief, adult pad, protective underwear, whatever.  It is a DIAPER.  Here I am not even 40, with a family, a rather healthy male outside of this, but none the less in a diaper now every day.

It took me a very long time to allow myself to call it a diaper.  I have been to many doctors since and everyone uses some term other than diaper when I am asked to remove my pants and they see it.   This point is one for you to explore and find comfort with.  I finally have, for me it is just a diaper.  I have found ways to pull the front down enough without ripping the tapes to still pee if I can make it in time, but I feel more confident knowing if I can’t I will not be outwardly wet.

Underwear comes in all shapes, sizes, styles.  My wife has some very sexy panties, she has some less than sex ones too.  They are all underwear.  My diapers are mine now.

She has been so supportive of me calling them whatever and never once making me feel like she has concerns outside than that for my health.  I love her and HOPE everyone has someone so great in their lives.  It makes a great difference to know you can be that close and have something so awkward just be nothing more than another layer before you get to the fun!

I have read that 1:4 people have to address some level of leakage in their lives.  Most are women and I have not heard one complain about it, at least around me.  I have to admit, being a man I must be the stronger person in the relationship, but I think most days they really are.  I was such a wimp talking about it for almost 12 years or dealing with it.  She told me after kids she just put a pad in her underwear and went on with life.  I never knew!  God bless women.

I hope you find a place where you are comfortable if you live with this and realize you are not alone.

Head up, diaper on, get out and live life.

 

I have not posted in a while as life got busy.  I recently dealt with a few encounters where embarrassment was had and thought I would share in hopes that others realize you can get past it.

TSA, man o man do I ever have some stories about the TSA.  Some agents are great, some airports are better than others, and some are just down right rude or untrained.  Generally most are good people just trying to do a crap job.

Here is one of the stories –

Recently I passed through the Reno airport.  I had arrived and was feeling like my diaper was rather wet.  There are unfortunately no restrooms on the end of the airport with the airline counters so I took my bag to the airline counter and checked it in.  As I headed to the gates, I stopped into the restroom and changed into a fresh diaper and cleaned up.  It was the “spare” I keep in my backpack and usually I am good until I get home so I was not worried.  I was feeling clean and hungry before my flight and wanted to get a bite.  I headed to the TSA checkpoint and put my bag on the counter and headed through the metal detector.  Upon being chosen for random scan after passing through the metal detector, I was motioned to step into the full body scanner.   I stepped in and as usual, it struck on my groin as an anomaly.  As the guy started to pat me down and came to my backside, he stopped and spent a little extra time.  He asked me what he felt and I then informed him that a private room might be in order.  We waited for a second male and we were on our way.  I have done this numerous times before and the outcome is always different.  This time, once in the room I informed them of my incontinence and that I was wearing a diaper.  They were perplexed and unsure what to do.  One stepped out to talk to a supervisor.  Upon return, he asked me to lift my shirt and provided a very aggressive pat down.  Then he asked me to stick my hands into my waist band and move them around.  He tested them for explosives and it was negative.  Just as I was being allowed to leave one called me back and said I would need to wait.  He informed me the Director of the TSA at the airport could not fathom a young man in a diaper was on the up and up and wanted to involve the police.  They did not seem interested so he stepped in and told me I would have to remove my diaper and go through the security checkpoint again.  I told him I did not have a spare diaper and that taking it off pretty much destroys the tapes and it would make for a messy flight.  At this point he informed me that I would not be allowed to continue on until I could.  He forced me to return to the airline baggage counter, they retrieved my bag from the plane, and he had me open it and take out one of my spares.  I returned the bag to them and with diaper in hand followed him back to the restrooms.  He left me and I took off the now rather wet diaper and changed – again.  This time I went right through the metal detector and nothing was said.  An hour wasted for nothing.  His lack of training in the appropriate manner for clearing people with medical issues was obvious.

I was so angry that day that I had stopped worrying about people seeing me walk through the airport with an adult diaper in hand.

In the end, no one but this bozo said anything to me.  No one seemed to care and just went about their business.  I have never had anyone ask me about a bulge in the front why my pants did not seem to have a crease in the rear.  They might just mind their own business or they may never notice.  Most are so tied to their own lives and phones or tablets they rarely seem to notice others more or less specific like someone that might be padded up.

In the end, if you deal with incontinence you should be proud of your adult manner in which you deal with it, and not worry about what others might think or say.  My underwear is just different from others, but it does not make me any different.  I hope you feel the same and not ashamed in any way.

 

I found myself working alone on a large project this week.  Each day I had to walk 1 mile to the site to work from the hotel as renting a car was too expensive.  All in all, I am fine with walking.  What I was not prepared for was the rash that developed.

Each day I would prepare for things appropriately.  I find that I get to working and all of a sudden have bladder spasms.  The problem is that I am usually deep within a data center and the closest bathroom is a long walk that is preceded by needing to secure things before I leave.  My bladder does not agree with this and just say here we go.  Therefore, I wear diapers.  Yep I said it – the D word.
Knowing the situation well, I have found a solution that usually gets me by.  I have a great backpack in which I keep two extra diapers and some wipes and A&D cream.  I have progressed from pads to pullups to diapers over the years.  I will go one day into the different levels/makers and how I find them.  Right now I am using either Abena M4 or ABU Simple diapers.  They are both rather thick, but hold up well.  I also use a booster with SAP and a pad with pulp.  One distributes the wetness, while the other absorbs and expands.  Together with the diaper and good leak guards, I can get a good 6-8 hours or more if I dehydrate (BAD NEWS).

Well wearing a diaper and working long days leads to rather bulky material between the legs.  I use an adult onesie to help hold things in place and with all of the walking I found the rubbing to be rather uncomfortable. I find that during these times, the use of some Vaseline Cocoa Butter or Bag Balm is a life saver.

I had to change my diaper in the Data Center bathroom one day as it was just done but I was not.  I felt bad for having to leave it in the trash, but I try to be kind and carry plastic grocery bags to put them in and tie them up.  I do this in the hotel room as well.  No reason to make others need to deal with my trash in a way that is any more unpleasant than is needed.

Hotel rooms – overall hotel staff do not seem to care.  I found one time in Vegas to be awkward but yet not.  Generally, when you arrive late you do not need to worry about the staff coming in after they have cleaned up once.  This time, I left my bag and stuff on the bed when I arrived and left right away to meet some friends.  When I came back my bag was on the sofa, the bed turned down with a mint on the pillow and oddly a diaper and my sleep pants that I had laid out were next to the pillow.  I took it as genuine niceness.  Others might feel invaded, but I think they were rather caring and nice about it.  Most hotels understand that there is a percentage of their clientele that have issues and will deal with it very well.

TSA – that is a whole new story for another day.

Stay dry and happy.

 

 

 

I am not sure just where I am going with this blog right now.  I would like to relate to others what life is like when you need to wear diapers.  I have dealt with urinary leakage for almost 14 years now.

It started with just finding that my underwear was wet after visiting the bathroom.  Today I get spasms that are followed by an inability to hold the floodgates back.

Being in my late thirties and working in an environment building computer systems, learning how to deal has been an adventure.  My hope is others can read and relate to my experiences and live without shame or frustration if dealing with similar situations.

Over the years I have seen the doctors and tried many medicines.  I found most caused me to have dry mouth, headaches, or other side effects that led to my ceasing using them.  I also found that if they helped, they never totally fixed things.  I figured if I have to still wear a pad, why deal with the effects of the drugs.

A couple of years ago I kind of gave up on medicine and my life has been less stressful since.  I still try to use the toilet every chance I get if I can.  However,  diapers are now just my underware.  At first I was concerned, what if someone sees a bulge, what if I leak, what if what if….  It was distracting and frustrating.  Lately, I can tell sometimes at the end of the day that I look to have a diaper butt or a bulge up front.  I have yet to be approached by anyone about it though.  I am not sure what I would say if I was.

As I bring this site together, I hope to provide more focused conversation about the hows, whys, products, ideas, etc that I use my daily life that help me move along.  I hope you will find this helpful.

 

I will be discussing my life and how I live with incontinence.  I hope to help other younger adults understand they are not alone and it should not be a point of shame or embarrassment.