I recently realized how long it had been since I posted here. Life has a way of getting busy.
I have been dealing with some pain in my groin lately. This is a bit of a rant, but I need to just vent.
I have been dealing with lumps on my testicles for a bit. I had my left one removed and was told it was not cancer. However, I have lumps on my right as well and they seem to be be growing. Along with that, I have had a dull pain that radiates into my stomach for a while now. I have seen multiple doctors and had as many imaging tests. No one can find the source, and no one wants to address the lumps.
I went to a surgeon as the latest in a string of doctors. She was very upbeat and said she would find a way to help. Oh shit I thought in my head. They all say that. She took a look at the ultrasound and said she did not see a hernia. No shit I thought. She says she can give me a nerve blocker that will block the pain for 6 months until she can find the problem. I decide to try it as there is not much else on the horizon until I get the next CAT scan. I spent the next day with a limp and numb leg, but that wore off quick. Once that wore off, the pain was back and actually worse. It might be in my head, but it hurts. After the scan I get a call from the Dr’s office and am told she cannot see anything in scan and all she can do is refer me for long term pain management. She can do nothing else for me.
I have spent the last week in a real depressed state. I try not to do that normally, but this really has affected me. I hear – yet another Doctor who was so positive they could help me – tell me thanks but no thanks.
My wife joked with me I might need Dr House!
I feel like part of me has given up. Before, I just wore the diaper and dealt with it. Before, I just dealt with the pain. I know pain well and can usually put it out of my head and do my job. This week though, I just feel down. I want to give up, and that is not like me. I have given up on even trying to make it to the toilet and let the bladder take control. I have used way more diapers and now have a bad rash!
I want to take a knife and cut my gut open and tell them – now find this pain!
In the end I am dad and husband, though maybe not anywhere near great at either. I cannot let the family down and I need to just move on. In this last week of self pity, that is not easy. However, I have to look forward and do the right thing. I will. I always do.
My wife is so amazing. She stayed by my side in this self pity boat ride. She does not see the diapers as a problem, but just underwear that is different. She never once made me feel bad. She just cares about me, and I cannot tell you how important that is.
I love her so much, but for some reason I still cannot share my ranting on this blog with her and keep this private. Maybe one day.
This ends my rant for now.
Next time, I want to talk about some choices in diapers, vendors, heat and how I deal with things.